Storytime #8: A Blast from the Past - The Case of the Ex

He was my version of BIG. Except mine was 5’8 and lacked financial literacy.

Apparently all five planets are in retrograde which is probably why my wifi is acting up and also why my ex from 2020 decided on a random Tuesday to call my phone.

“Girl no the fuck he didn’t!” I sit around my back patio with my close girl friends Maya, Lia, and Stacy, for an afternoon of orange wine and whatever snacks everyone brought: popcorn, homemade cookies, and a handful of werthers original.

Maya, who finally stopped fucking her roommate to now fuck her scene partner, unraveled the caramel candy and popped it in her mouth.

“I thought he was blocked?”

Keyword: was.

I unblocked him right before the new year thinking the act was symbolic of releasing him completely (spoiler: i was wrong).

He was my version of BIG. Except mine was 5’8 and had no financial literacy.

But like Carrie, he wooed my heart as much as he played with it. New York Times would describe it as a modern day romance.

“Please tell me you didn’t answer” Maya chewed on her candy. She hated my ex. and for valid reasons.

Naomi chimes in- “and if you did I hope you sent him a Venmo request for the inconvenience of it all.”

I look at my friends looking back at me.

“Well I did neither.” I say. “But let me tell you what’s strange…”

Just a day before my ex called, I spent the evening reorganizing books on my bookshelf. It was an activity I’d been putting off for awhile now; the first time I thought to do so was a few days after things had finally ended with my ex - so about eight months ago now. I’m not sure what struck me to do it that night, but I did; and as I moved books around, I came across an old journal of mine tucked in between Tar Baby and Americanah. I pulled it out and found, sticking out from the top, the first photo my ex and I had ever taken.

Curiously, I thought, I wonder what he’s up to.

And then the very next day he called.

“Oh girl he definitely felt your energy” Lia says, grabbing a handful of popcorn.

Maya shakes her head while Naomi’s eyebrow raises: “So what did he call to say?”

“I’ve been in therapy. I’ve never stopped loving you. Can we please get back together?”

“Girl bye.” Maya throws her hand in the air. “How many times has he done this now? Just to leave again in a week?”

She wasn’t lying; twice before did he try to make up just to break up days later. But I don’t know, this time something in his voice just sounded… different.

“Yea probably cause you haven’t heard it in awhile!” Lia chuckles.

“Also don’t be fooled by him being in therapy - who knows if he’s telling his therapist the truth.” Naomi says.

Maya agrees. “But you’re not actually considering getting back together…are you?”

I look at the near empty wine glass in front of me.

Was all of this the universe’s sign that my ex and I were part of some greater love story that just needed time and maturing to take place before it could truly work out?

(spoiler: no)

Naomi shrugs, “I say fuck him, but if you are gonna fuck him at least get what you want out of it”

“Well” Lia struggles to get a kernel out from between her teeth, “only person who can tell you what to do is you.”

---

Later that night, I sit at my computer and wonder…

Do exes really ever change? Or are they just the same with a tad more game on how to play it? I guess it depends And do I really want to get back with the guy that played with my heart more than once?

The answer was pretty obvious, but I gave myself a moment to fantasize…

For starters, things between Miles - the breakout actor who wrote down his number at Soho - and I ended before it ever began. He had to cancel our first date to fly to New York for a last minute TV cameo, and then again on the second attempt because he booked a leading part in an indie film based in Australia. Apparently he was playing the role of an Aboriginal leader - “imagine Pocahantas’ brother” he described in out last exchange.

Either way between time zones, my work schedule and his endless days on set, it wasn’t going to work.

It also didn’t help that after that first call with my ex, we continued to talk on the phone every night hours on end, for six days in a row. Today would have been the seventh.

I knew, like Lia said, it was my decision to make and that Maya would eventually get over it if I decided to back with him, even if it took awhile.

I opened up my journal - the old one that held the photo of us - and flipped through the pages to read the first line of a random entry.

“Girl don’t do it”

My eyes widened because what in the world?

I continued reading to see what I was referring to… ah yes, the time I wanted to give up and move back home after my first year living in Los Angeles. Thankfully I listened to these four words back then… but what about now?

Like clockwork, my phone vibrated on my bed. His name flashed across my screen.

“Hey” I answered.

“Hey, how are you?” he says, his voice sounding flushed.

“Everything okay?” I ask, already knowing what was bound to come.

And like clockwork, despite therapy and AA and years of space and time between of us, he says the same phrase I’ve heard him say before/

I don’t want to hurt you.

I listen to him with my knees to chest tracing the chipped pink nail polish on my toes.

“I’m sorry to have to do this to you” he finishes.

“It'‘s fine” I say.

It’s like the final level of attachment had finally broken. It didn’t phase me this time around, instead I felt rather annoyed for giving him access to me in the first place.

“You sure you’re not mad? I don’t want you to be upset with me” he says.

Naomi’s voice comes to mind.

Moments before I hang up the phone, I receive a cashapp from him for $50. It was hardly enough to cover a pedicure, but he said he was running low at the moment. Turns out some things never change.

---

I don’t know why I found that photo that day or why he called right after. Maybe it was a pop quiz from the universe to see where I was at emotionally. Thankfully, despite making a few questionable decisions, I still managed to pass.

I couldn’t help but think, did answering his call somehow convey some energetic message that I’m open to someone like him again?

I called Maya up to tell her the update.

“Hey girl” she turned down the music that was playing in the background.

“Guess what just happened?” I said,

✨Until next time…. ✨